Monday, May 12, 2014

Thoughts From the Unlovable Alien

The air outside is cloudy, cool and in stark contrast to the hot, windy days we've had recently. I hear the rain drop on the windows, and roof much like the tears in my lap. It's one of those days. If you're looking for warm , and fuzzy... this post isn't going to fulfill that.

It's happened again. I have been lied to. Betrayed, and forsaken.

At first there was anger, then the inevitable piecing out of what would be the logical way to handle the situation. I figured that out, and decided it was what was to be done. For a few days this was okay. Then that little voice inside of me got harder and harder to silence. It's the sound of my inner child, or whatever you want to call it. She began as an essence, but moved to a whisper. I escape her by daydreaming of times where things were better. There's no better way to soothe a current hurt than to get nostalgic. Suddenly, I am 15 again, and the possibilities are endless. I can remember when I felt I was something, and that I mattered. I don't search for a specific memory as much as how specific feeling. If I can at least artificially feel loved, and important than I can figure out how to get through another day. If I can convince myself that I am an okay person then I can cope, just one more day. That usually works for small bouts of loneliness, or rejections, but big ones? I just can't escape inside of my own head enough to alleviate that much sadness.

So, the little voice grows louder. Her mumbles begin to get more audible. "....doesn't like you..." and "..Your fault"... and more cynical statements begin surfacing. With it are the images of memories, and times long repressed to the back of my mind.

I get busy. I try to drown her out with tasks. I really don't have time for all this negativity. I have stuff to do! My house gets cleaner, as I fall apart inside. Perfection is soothing to me, as I strive to have the best of everything. Obsessive would be a good word to describe this phase of mental deterioration. To others it looks like I am just getting things done. I am. Sometimes, this motivation is all I need to snap back to feeling good again. However, if it isn't.... it is pretty much the last stop on the coping train.

If not, then what?
The voice is now clear as a bell. It's loud, and unwavering as I face the feelings that I am so trying to not feel. She reminds me of that time in grade school where the kids rejected me, and that other time when my parents told me how I was this or that negative trait. I remember all the times I needed someone, and no one was there. Things like going through labor until the last 2 pushes completely alone, and sitting alone in a formal dress eating a candlelit dinner, because my husband had other places he wanted to be. I remember the times I asked for reassurance, and was yelled at. I hear all these things, and see all the memories. I start slipping into a dark place. I fall to pieces as the tears flow for sometimes hours, days even. It's in this place where I typically decide that maybe my parents are right. I am not worth anyone's time. I am just a bad person to my core, and all that I do is wrong. I don't know who to share this with. I am afraid to tell anyone. They'll not understand, or maybe they'll think less of me. They'll pity me, and wonder why I chose such a sad life. Maybe, they'll see the defective person my family sees. I can't risk that.

This place is where I am today, and I am fully aware of how counterproductive it can be. I know that I am not getting anywhere feeling like this, but I am unable to do anything else. I am stuck at the corner of hopeless and despair. I need the rest. Tomorrow may be a better day, but today I have to struggle to breathe. I remind myself of the times where I was happy, and have faith that I will feel that again. That I do matter, and will matter to someone who knows how to show it in a way that is uncomplicated. My light has been dimmed, but it still burns. Hopeless is how I feel, but not who I am. Tomorrow is a new day, and if it isn't... the next day is.


10 comments:

  1. Readers can never know exactly how you feel from what we read, but we can see how it resonates, makes us contemplate our own darker times.When I am deep in that cloud, knowing it is nonproductive is the opposite of helpful, just makes me feel worse. I can't change how I feel. and when it gets extreme, changing my behavior instead doesn't help anymore either. It just feels disingenuous, then feels totally false. Which doesn't help improve my mood at all. And whenever I have actually asked for help, my friends/family/doctor tell me things to change that I have no control over. Wth. The only times I have been given Rx was when I didn't ask for it. But if the gold-standard is that we Can only be helped if we ask for it, but Will only help if I don't, it all leaves me feeling even less in charge of my life. The cloud is self-perpetuating and encourages others not to take anything I say seriously. So wth am I supposed to do with that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I do leave quite a lot of room for interpretation, or self reflection in my writing for the reader. Part of that is due to not airing my personal dirty laundry on the internet, which would also include other's as well. The other part is that it would be terribly boring to read a play by play account of my day, week, month ect...

      I would surmise that if one was to feel the way that I describe in the entry without a major life event triggering it, then it would probably be something that would require meds, and likely counseling to address. Even if it were, it still possibly would require those things.

      Eventually, I would like to write about my husband's issues with getting an accurate diagnosis, and some effective help. It's been a long hard road that could have been much better if he had been diagnosed, and treated 20 some years ago when he first started having issues. As of now, it is a serious struggle to get what we need from mental health professionals. We just get a bunch of bad advice, or victim blaming.

      Delete
  2. Thanks for sharing what is such sadness and depth of emotion. I'm so sorry for all the difficulties you've been through, but I thank you for honoring us by sharing them here on your blog. I pray that you will receive comfort and healing as you honor that inner voice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for all of your support, and encouragement. I appreciate it!

      Delete
  3. When I hear the voice in my head from my child self, it means that things are really bad in the here and now. I am sending my warmest, most comforting thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think I recognize mine too much, at least not until it's been going bad for a bit. It does mean that something bad has been triggered from those days, though. Thank you for your comment and warm wishes. :)

      Delete
  4. I hate nothing more than people "dropping by" and I can't stand to talk on the phone - it's practically impossible for me. But let me say that if you lived next door I would expect you to drop by because I think we would have a lot to say and to share with each other. This is a beautiful piece, and while it may seem impossible, please let me say i understand what you mean and i know the feelings you speak of. I am sending you love because you need to know that you do matter very much <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for all of your comments. Yes, it does seem impossible for someone to get what I am talking about, but I am sure I am not unique in the pain that I have endured, and the current circumstance. I think we'd have a lot to say to each other, too if we were next door to each other, but truth be told I'd probably still text you 80% of the time! Ha!

      Delete
  5. Thank you for writing this. It sounds so shockingly familiar and so much like where I find myself right now that it leaves me without anything uplifting to say. But it gives me the chance to mention my own unproductive darkness - I cannot tell anyone else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do hope you're feeling better soon. I know it's a very private thing to experience, because it's so personal. It feels as if we're the only ones going through it, but we're not. Positive healing vibes to you. Message me if you need to chat about it.

      Delete

If you'd like to follow all comments to this post, please click the 'subscribe by email' link under the comment box. I always reply to every post, and appreciate all feedback. If you have issues getting your comment to post you can email me your comment at inneraspie@yahoo.com. Blogger sometimes loses a comment when the user goes to post, so it is always advisable to highlight and copy your text before hitting the post button.