Thursday, June 7, 2012

Mindful Thinking- When To Let Go Of Owning Blame

Today has been one of those days.  Nothing is terribly wrong.  We're all still alive, but setting aside major catastrophe, quite a bit is just not going well today.  One issue in particular has been an on-going issue with me for many years, so I think that's what I'm gonna talk about in this post.

I signed onto Facebook and started scrolling through all my favorite pages this morning when I awoke, like I always do.  I came across a few of those awful (IMO) inspirational types of posters that talk about how heroic a disabled person or their mother is for this or that.  There was one in particular that struck me as misleading and discriminatory on more than one level.  I didn't save it or memorize the quote, so I can't share it.  It's beside the point of what this entry is about anyway.  I decided that I should say something, so I left a comment about how I felt it didn't make sense.  How I felt it was understating people that are forever in wheelchairs and unable to walk. I wasn't the only one who left a comment that wasn't in favor of the quote being displayed in the picture, but I was the one who the page owner let have it.  According to her I was not understanding her child's journey to walking, understating her pain, not thinking before speaking and she was being gracious in her response to me by not getting 'negative'.  I immediately, felt like I had done something wrong. That I was bad for what I said and my emotions began to spin out of control into an abyss of negativity, which for me leads to meltdown.

This lasted for about an hour.

Then I thought wait.  No, just wait a freaking minute.  No.  I was not out of line.  I was respectful in what I said.  I wasn't insulting.  I wasn't the only one who had an issue with it.  I suspect that her 'think before you speak' comment was directed at me due to the fact that I had posted under my AS page name.  Immediately, my opinion is called into question, because I may be just not having empathy and not thinking before I speak, which can be a trait of AS.  No.  I thought about it. I said it.  That person just didn't want to hear it, and instead of having a conversation about it, she was rude.  People post things on my page that I don't agree with.  I have never, not ever been that rude to them.  I want to know why they think the way they do.  I respect they might see things differently than me. I did not get that in return.  That is okay.  It's her page, and she can do what she wants on it.  I unliked it.  All is good.

This time, I was able to stop and think before taking everything so personally. I am proud of myself for that.  I have been working on doing this for quite awhile.  In my mind I have always felt that when people attack me like that I was the wrong one and I was flawed, but this time I was able to see that maybe they were reacting to their own issues that really had nothing to do with me as a person.  My self worth has grown stronger and my ability to be even tempered has grown and for that, I am thankful.